Not my favorite holiday.  In fact, I am the Ebenezer Scrooge of Halloween.

Okay, I’ll tell you why.

  • Unless you live in an apartment building or in a very warm climate (and I do live in an apartment building), one’s costume must always be compromised and covered by a coat.  So you see little kids walking around with pumpkin heads and galoshes.  Or a princess in a North Face parka, or something very wrong indeed.
  • Competitive mothers have asked me — though not recently — what I planned to make for my children’s costumes.  I pretended I was hard of hearing.  MAKE?  The question (though so dull) is:  What costumes will you be buying?  And that doesn’t make for a riveting conversation.
  • Too many girls think they are witty when they dress up as a “prostitute.”  Very unfunny.
  • The children get wired on sugar, and Halloween actually lasts at least 36 hours.  
  • I get wired from purloined Baby Ruths and Charleston Chews — substances I don’t ordinarily permit in my temple  um, body.
  • The bickering over the inevitable candy trades.
  • Candy wrappers for weeks.
  • Empty candy wrappers in my children’s pockets.
  • I just don’t like it.
  • Okay?

But if, after all my very strong points you decide you still want to dress up for Halloween, what would a preppy costume be?

  1. An estate lawyer
  2. An estate manager
  3. A golf pro.
  4. A sailor.
  5. A trust fund baby.
  6. An art restorer.
  7. A decorator.
  8. A second wife.
  9. A prep school admissions officer.
  10. A tennis pro.
  11. A U.S. Senator.
  12. A museum curator.
  13. A volunteer.
  14. An orthopedic surgeon
  15. A woody wagon.